


Dream Dawn Cruise

by almostclevernerd



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Language, Rating will change!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 10:22:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14330421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/almostclevernerd/pseuds/almostclevernerd
Summary: Dan and Phil had a fleeting two-week romance in 2009. After their time ran out, they never saw each other again. Until one day, Phil got a curious email after his radio show’s Valentine’s special.





	Dream Dawn Cruise

**Author's Note:**

> Beta read by @ribenaflip and @phanmindpalace on Tumblr! Thank you both so much :)

The year was 2009. Phil Lester had just graduated from university with a rather useless degree in English and Linguistics that he knew would be of little use in his everyday and professional life. To celebrate Phil’s graduation, his parents decided to take Phil on a cruise, meant to bring the family closer together after 4 years of scarcely seeing one another. Phil was excited, of course. He adored his family, he wanted to spend as much time with them as possible, and two weeks at sea would be just perfect.

Everything  _was_  perfect. Their rooms were cosy, the destinations were beautiful, and the food was amazing. There were events, parties, games, and all that fun stuff every day and night. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Nothing went wrong, however, looking back on it, Phil probably would have preferred a different outcome to their vacation.

On the second day of their vacation, Phil met a boy, Dan, who made the two weeks go from what he imagined would have been amazing to absolutely perfect. They clicked as soon as they met, the conversation flowing easily between them. They had chemistry and it wasn’t even three days later that they fell for each other. Both of them knew at the time that whatever they had couldn’t possibly last. Not that that mattered. They were too happy sneaking about the ship to find a quiet and dark spot where they could speak in hushed voices and let their fingers slide over smooth skin.

It felt almost as if they were in a bubble. Both of their families didn’t seem to mind, as they, too, bonded over time. The more the merrier, right? Still, Dan and Phil were attached at the hip the whole time, not paying attention to their families, preferring to stay in the company of each other rather than the loudness of their combined families. It was wholesome. It was sweet, sappy and romantic. 

They spent the very last night on the ship together, a mess of sheets and limbs. When Phil thought back on it, he remembered it being the best night of his life. It was messy, it was rushed and it left a hole in his stomach and heart that he knew would leave him aching for years to come.

The following day, the cruise was over.

Phil didn’t catch Dan’s surname, neither did he get his phone number or even any of his social media, despite them talking very often about the Internet. As soon as Phil stepped off that ship, Dan nowhere in sight so he could say goodbye, he knew that he would never see the boy ever again. It was a horrible feeling. After being on a high for a fortnight, he started feeling the withdrawal. He already missed Dan’s voice, his smile, his laugh, his goofy jokes.

On the whole way home, he could only sigh deeply and stare longingly out the window. He knew it was just a fling, a short romance that was doomed to end from the very beginning. Yet it had such an impact on his life that he couldn’t help but feel down for the next few weeks, thinking about Dan and how amazing it could have been if only they stayed in contact, even just as friends.

Maybe there could have been more. Maybe Dan was meant for him. He knew it was so dumb to think that way about a boy whom he barely knew. He knew he was only making it  harder for himself.

 

* * *

 

 

2017 was a good year for Phil, as were most years, really. Early 2010 was the year he landed himself a job at BBC1 radio as the host of a few small, fun segments that all revolved around funny and happy news, random facts and trivia as well as games and other generally lighthearted stuff. It was a good job. 2012, he got his own radio show Sundays at noon. It wasn’t anywhere near radio prime-time; it was only two hours, and consisted of mostly the same things he had been doing from 2010 onwards. However, it was gaining popularity, as it was also streamed online, and had a large audience of teenagers and young adults.

In 2013, he started doing the same show three times a week- Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays. Sadly, still not prime-time. It was 2016 that landed him in the golden hours of radio. He had a show every weekday from 3 pm to 8 pm, as well as a smaller Saturday show with a co-host.

Phil’s life was wonderful. He couldn’t complain at all. Despite his radio career being rather short in comparison to other BBC 1 hosts, he was still making a very decent salary. And despite having a good job, a nice home and being one of the most liked radio personalities in recent years, he’s still single. Hell, he’d been single for a long time. He’d had a couple of short relationships, none of which were quite as fulfilling.

Even almost 9 entire years later, he still sometimes thought about Dan. It was silly, but so was life, right? At the very least, thinking about that boy (who was a man by now, he had to remind himself), made him smile.

“Tonight we have a special guest!” Phil spoke excitedly into the microphone, looking over at the camera that was streaming the show live. Beside him stood Louise, a fellow co-worker who had her own morning show, and a personal friend of Phil’s. “It’s Louise from the Breakfast Show! Hello and welcome to the Internet Takeover!” He pressed a button, making an exciting trumpet sound.

“It’s nice to be here tonight, Phil,” Louise said, a laugh following her greeting. “Say, you seem quite chipper this evening. It’s making me quite nervous. What have you got planned for me?”

A tiny smirk tugged at Phil’s lips. “Nothing that you would regret later, I promise. However! We are gonna be talking about a lot of different topics, one of which is about relationships.”

“That’s a bit strange coming from you. How come?”

“Have you even looked at a calendar recently, Louise?” Phil asked with a teasing edge to his tone.

“Oh! Okay, yeah. I get it. Valentine’s day. That would explain all the hearts and pink and red around the studio, wouldn’t it?” Louise noted, picking up a few heart-shaped objects and showing them to the camera, as Phil did the same.

“Yup. Valentine’s day is tomorrow, and as you know, we’re going to be dedicating a lot of songs and topics to the day of love. Starting tonight, I’ll be reading through tweets and emails sent to me about various things - from bad Valentine’s day gifts, to amazing relationships, best and worst dates and, even, breakups!”

“You’re really into this, aren’t you? I’m personally not such a huge Valentine’s day fan.” Louise said, eyeing Phil with interest. He knew he’d been single for a long time. She knew  he had no one who he’d be excited to spend the day with. “Even though I love the cute pinks and reds, I’m past the stage in my relationship where Valentine’s day means more than getting chocolate and having a nice dinner with my husband.”

“No need to brag. Some of us are still single, you know?” Phil laughed, though his statement was in good nature. “But yes, I am excited! Last year, I got a lot of interesting stories from the audience and I am looking forward to more of those gems this year, too. I hope I get as many as I got last year! So using the Twitter hashtag PhilRadioLove on twitter, or by emailing me at phil.lester@bbc.co.uk, tell me about your romantic, or not so romantic stories!”

There was a pause for some small tune to play and for the said hashtag and email to be shown on the liveshow as well. “Louise, you know what this means.”

“Oh no.”

“Oh yes, we too will be sharing stories of our romances!” He cheered, grinning at his friend, who looked more or less terrified.

“How graphic do the stories have to be?” Louise asked, mostly as a joke.

“Oh god. Yeah, let’s not make them too graphic, okay? Keeping all the stories appropriate for teens would be lovely. But, anyway, we’ll be right back after a couple of songs. Starting off with Maroon 5 ‘What Lovers Do’.” The song started slowly, Louise could be heard saying ‘very appropriate’ before the screen of the live feed changed into some little challenge Phil did earlier in the week or slide show of some sort for the livestream viewers.

After 3 songs, the feed returned, with Phil holding a sign reading “Story Time” up to the camera. The last few notes of the song played as Phil removed the sign. “That was Halsey,” he paused to put the sign away, “‘Bad at Love’.” He smiled and did some things outside of the camera’s view.

“Already, we have received so many tweets and emails,” Phil said, now revealing that he had been looking down at his laptop.

“We already read through some of these, and they are amazing. We sadly can’t share all of them; however, we will be sharing some throughout the rest of the show and tomorrow as well.” Louise added, looking together with Phil at the screen.

“But first, let’s start off with our stories, shall we? As the guest, I think it’s only fair to give you the honours, Louise.” Phil’s shit-eating grin was not helping Louise’s almost nervous and flustered giggling.

“You’re being cheeky again, Phil. But all right, I’ll start us off.” She cleared her throat. “I think the best I’ve got is a short one. I was in college, yeah? Started dating this handsome guy who shall remain unnamed. He was like every teenage girl’s dream though. Tall, sporty, funny and sweet. Well, we weren’t really dating, but he did ask me out once.”

“I reckon it did not end so well?”

“Oh, Phil, you’ve got no idea. He seemed so perfect. He took me to a nice little diner, it was quaint, with soft music and all that. For the first half, I was thinking wow, this is the most perfect date ever.” She let out a bitter laugh. “Well, then he started talking about his family health history. It was quite dreadful. Albeit I understand some people like such serious topics, I do not think that it was very appropriate to tell me about his great-aunt’s diabetes.”

“Ouch. What did you do?” Phil asked, trying to keep the story going for just a moment longer. One might say he was holding back on telling his own story.   


“I’m too polite to tell anyone off! I just smiled and nodded. I insisted on paying for my dinner and left as soon as I could. Sometimes I feel bad about it. Maybe he just needed a friend. But he did not give off such vibes.” She hummed thoughtfully.

“I wouldn’t really want to know about my date’s medical history either, believe me. While it is interesting to hear sometimes, I’d personally pick a better timing.”

“Frankly, I would rather not know anyone’s medical history before I know their parent’s names, when it comes to dating, at least.” Phil hummed in agreement. “But anyway, Philip, you have something to share, too, don’t you?”

Phil laughed nervously, but he did nod. “Yup. It’s only fair! And I have been almost looking forward to reliving this memory.” He sighed almost dreamily.

“Ohh, is someone still pining?” Louise teased.

“Oh, shut up! It was almost 10 years ago, of course I’m not still pining.” Phil defended, but he did blush a bit.

“Go on then, tell us. We’re all on the edge of our seats after such a dramatic start.”

Phil playfully and lightly shoved Louise. “Okay, okay. It was in 2009. I just graduated from university. My parents and I decided to go on a family cruise together. It was a lovely cruise, by the way. We saw a lot of Europe. Portugal, Spain, Italy, Croatia and so on. It was lovely. But anyway, that’s not the exciting part.” He paused, chuckling in a flustered manner. “I met a guy. He was a bit younger than me, but not much. We spent a lot of time together in those two weeks. Our families got along, too. Well, anyway. We were inseparable. Like my parents would want me to eat dinner with them, but I’d eat up as fast as possible so I could go hang out with D- with him.”

Louise aww’d and smiled at Phil fondly. “That sounds so sweet.” She added. She had known Phil for years, yet had somehow she had never heard about the cruise, or the mysterious boy that must have left an impression on Phil.

“It was. Well at the end of the cruise, I was dumb enough to forget to ask for a phone number or something. I now just assume that he would have remembered if he wanted to keep in touch, but getting off that ship and knowing I’d never see him again was kinda heartbreaking.” He sighed again, then chuckled sadly right after. “It was nice while it lasted, at the very least.”

“True. Did he also share unnecessary medical details with you?”

Phil burst out laughing. “Dear god, no! He did mention that he chipped his tooth on an apple once, though.” He was sure he shouldn’t have shared that, but he doubted Dan or anyone who knew him was listening to his show anyway.

“Wow, that is something I would love to hear more about. But, we are now going to read some stories from our listeners.”

“That’s right, after these few songs, we’ll be sharing some of your embarrassing, sweet or sad stories. Stay tuned, and here’s Ed Sheeran with ‘Shape Of You’.”

 

* * *

 

 

Valentine’s day. Phil enjoyed it because it made his work day a lot brighter, however, after a long day at work, he was happy to be home again. He was looking forward to the following day to buy a lot of discounted chocolate and binge on some TV shows. What better way to spend a Thursday than to eat an excessive amount of sweets and ignore that almost all of them were in heart shapes. He realised, during times of exhaustion and hunger, that he was not happy with being single. That feeling would pass as soon as all the heart decorations were put away for another year.

Until then, Phil could only sigh as he climbed into bed. He put his glasses on and opened his email a final time of the day, just to see if anything important popped up for the following day. He scrolled through his official work email as and then his show’s email. A lot of them were of people still sending Valentine’s stories. One of the emails caught his eye.

 _**Subject: [Phil, it’s Dan] (14.02.2018, 17:42)  
** _ _**Daniel Howell <daniel.howell@gmail.com>** _

_I know you probably get like a million of these emails and you’ll probably just think this is a joke, but yeah. Hi. It’s Dan, the one you spent two weeks on a cruise ship with. I heard your radio show. Right time and right place, I’d say. Anyway, I thought maybe we could meet up? You’re probably too busy. Worth a shot._

_You must still think I’m fucking with you. Here’s the photo we took in Málaga._

_Dan._

**One image attached**

Phil frowned. Surely, this must be a stupid joke by some teen who wants attention. But as soon as Phil opened the photo, he felt his heart stop just for a second. Right there, on his screen, was a low-quality picture of him and Dan, leaning against each other. Behind them was a beautiful view of the sea. They were both smiling, Phil had his arm around Dan’s shoulder. He was sure that no one could possibly have known about that photo. No one except for Dan, of course.

Hesitant, Phil’s thumb hovered over the “reply” button and he bit his lip. There was no reason for him not to reply if he was being honest. It’s not like being pranked could have any consequence.

He was so nervous. But he tapped the ‘reply’ button.

 _**Re: [Phil, it’s Dan] (14.02.2018, 23:38)  
** _ _**Philip Lester <phil.lester@bbc.co.uk>** _

_Oh! I’m so embarrassed! I did not think that anyone who really knew about that would be listening! I am so sorry if that somehow inconvenienced you. I can’t exactly do anything about it now, but I assumed it would be alright to tell._

_I’d love to meet up, but I am a little bit sceptical. I know that image hasn’t been shared online, but I got five other emails from people claiming to be Dan (with no proof)._

_I hope you understand,_

_Phil_

Phil let out a loud sigh as he sent the email. It was almost midnight, so he assumed he would not be getting a reply anytime soon. A ping came from his phone ten minutes later and he almost jumped out of his skin at the loud sound. Upon seeing from whom the email was, he felt the nervousness bubbling inside him all over again.

_**Re: [Phil, it’s Dan] (14.02.2018, 23:50)  
Daniel Howell  <daniel.howell@gmail.com>** _

_Oh. Yeah, I mean, I get that. It would be kinda shitty to lie about that stuff, but I know people do it a lot._

_Don’t worry. You sharing that didn’t inconvenience me. It was, however, my mum (Jackie) who called me to tell me that someone named Phil on the radio spoke about meeting a boy on a cruise and all that sappy stuff. That was a bit funny. I’m glad she had your email at hand._

_I really don’t want to end up just sounding like a creep by emailing you, saying I’m me and then not replying because I got discouraged, though._

_I can send you a picture of myself or something, I haven’t changed much in the last 9 years._

_Dan_

_**Re: [Phil, it’s Dan] (14.02.2018, 23:57)  
** **Philip Lester <phil.lester@bbc.co.uk>** _

_I’m starting to doubt my own doubt._

_It is funny that your mum found me though. I hope she’s doing well._

_You’re not creepy at all… But I do feel creepy about asking for pictures! Uhh… I guess one with your pinkie on your left temple._

_Where do you want to meet?_

_Phil_

**_Re: [Phil, it’s Dan] (15.02.2018, 00:02)  
Daniel Howell  <daniel.howell@gmail.com>_ **

_I was thinking of the Golden Peach café. It’s actually close to BBC. My schedule is free, so whenever you have time._

_Dan_

**One Image attached**

Phil opened the image. Sure enough, it was a picture of Dan, but with shorter hair. And- oh wow, curly. He actually had curly hair now. He looked a bit tired, but there was a smile and a small pink blush on his cheeks. His pinkie was pressed against his left temple.

Phil wanted to lie to himself and say that he was not excited about this. The feelings he once had for Dan are long gone, but he couldn’t deny that the other looked very good. He looked cute in 2009, but now… God, he almost looked like a model. It was a bit overwhelming.

With slightly shaky hands, Phil sent the final reply.

**_Re: [Phil, it’s Dan] (15.02.2018, 00:09)_ **

**_Philip Lester <phil.lester@bbc.co.uk>_ **

_How about Saturday at 3 pm? I don’t have anything planned on Saturday._

_I’m really looking forward to seeing you again, Dan._

_Phil_

**_Re: [Phil, it’s Dan] (15.02.2018, 00:12)  
Daniel Howell  <daniel.howell@gmail.com>_ **

I look forward to seeing you again, too, Phil.

Dan

With those words dancing around in his mind, Phil locked his phone and went to sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Saturday morning, Phil got up earlier than usual. As he was more or less a night owl, he tended to sleep in, at least until 10, when he had the time. That morning, though, he was a bit preoccupied. He was thinking. Thinking was such a dangerous thing for him to be doing at 8 AM. Knowing that did not stop him from doing it. His thoughts still raced. **  
**

What if Dan didn’t like him? What if Dan only wanted to tell him how stupid he was for mentioning their little fling on the radio?! What if Dan….!

He took a deep breath, breathing in the scent of his hot coffee. No. Dan was nice before. People rarely got meaner. They only got nicer. Dan must want to meet him because of...nostalgia? Why else would he reach out to Phil? He could have laughed it off and never thought about it again. But he did. He contacted Phil, probably looked him up online, and then wrote an email.

At noon, Phil started freaking out about what he should wear. He usually wore casual tees or button-ups with weird designs. Was the occasion formal? Did it require a smart choice of clothing? It was already 2 PM and Phil had to be out of the house in 20 minutes. Not thinking much after the hour-long debate he had with himself, he grabbed the closest clean and ironed shirt as well as his favourite jeans before bolting out of the flat.

He took a cab to the Golden Peach café. It was a rather popular location. He had never been there, but he did hear about his coworkers stopping by for coffee there. Apparently, it was nice, but maybe a bit busy. He hoped that his luck that day was better, as he really didn’t want to end up standing in front of the café with Dan with nowhere to sit and no knowledge of any other place they could go to.

Luck must have been on his side. As soon as he stepped into the café, he saw a head of brown curls poking from a booth in the corner of the room. His heart was beating like crazy. Why did he have to be so nervous about meeting someone he may or may not have had a crush on almost 10 damn years ago? He took a deep breath, composed himself and checked his fringe before stepping up to the booth.

“Hey,” he greeted, keeping his voice at an even level, but loud enough to gain Dan’s attention. The brunette’s head snapped up, looking almost annoyed for a moment before those brown eyes softened. He really didn’t seem to have changed much, at all.

“Phil- Hey.” He stood up briefly, offering his hand. Phil took it gingerly, not accustomed to handshakes. The whole situation seemed so tense. Dan’s shoulders were rigid and his expression almost guarded. Phil hoped that they would soon fall into the same rhythm as they did on the ship.

“It’s been so long, huh?” Phil started the conversation at a safe point. It really had been a long time. Thinking back on it, he didn't remember what exactly his last words to Dan were. He did remember that they were laying in Phil’s bed, though.

He pushed those thoughts aside, wanting to focus more on the present than on the past.

“Too long,” Dan cleared his throat. The tension skyrocketed. How could it be that two people who, in the past, got along so splendidly suddenly couldn’t even utter more than a few words? Was Phil too quick to judge? They’d barely been around each other for more than a minute. Thinking back, they had a rocky few minutes on the ship, too.

“So how-” - “So I was-”

They looked at each other. That was all it took for the tension to melt away as if it never existed in the first place. They laughed lightly and Phil sank down into the chair opposite of Dan.

“You go first,” he said, gesturing toward Dan.

Dan shook his head and ran his hand through his curls. Seems like even that small habit stayed throughout the years, Phil observed. “I wanted to ask you how you were?”

“Better now, to be honest… I was kinda nervous. I don’t think that’s necessary though. How about you, Dan?”

I’ve been well. Life’s been life and all that, but it's decent. So you’re a radio host. I’m surprised you don’t do the weather segments.” Dan said teasingly. Phil rolled his eyes and waved Dan off, even if he was very flattered that Dan somehow remembered such a small detail. He did want to be a weatherman, yes.

“Shut up, you.” He laughed. “Yeah, a radio show host… It wasn’t really something I planned on doing-” He shot Dan a warning glare, already seeing the mischievous words forming on Dan’s tongue. “-but I can’t complain. I mean, I have fun at work every day, I get paid for it and I got to meet some celebrities, which was nice too.”

Dan nodded along as he listened. Interrupting their conversation briefly was a waitress who took their order and left as quickly as she came. The café was busy, yes, but Phil found himself liking it that way. It meant people didn’t get to stare and he could focus better on his conversation with Dan.

“I’m pretty sure I heard you like a few times in the past. I don’t really listen to the radio… I thought your voice was familiar in a way. It’s actually kinda funny, because when my mum told me like about your Valentine’s day story, I thought she was joking.”

“I bet. I don’t know how you took it so well, though! I mean, I publicly spoke about something quite private and… you know, a lot of people would be offended.” Phil added, feeling, still, embarrassed that he spoke so openly about their little fling. Even if it was “meaningless” it still was private.

“Please, I wouldn’t even put two and two together, believe me. My mum’s a genius when it comes to recognizing such nuances though. Thank her for making me email you.”

“I’ll send Jackie some flowers.” Phil laughed and Dan joined in, too. “What are you up to? How’s the last decade been?”

Dan cringed at the word “decade” but he schooled his expression to a pleasantly neutral one. “Went to uni, dropped out of uni, started working in the modeling industry. That’s about it.”

“You’re a model?” Phil asked. “Wow… that’s impressive.”

“Is it really? I mean, I just have people put makeup on me, dress me up and then I stand under hot lights for hours at a time as the photographer takes pictures of me.” He didn’t sound like he disliked his job, though.

Phil couldn’t help but think that… yeah, Dan is obviously a model. His face is softer than most faces of male models, but he’s got beautiful eyes, thick eyelashes, charming hair… He was just so naturally beautiful. Dan must have caught Phil staring, as he had a smirk on his lips.

“Are you checking me out, Phil?” His voice was thick with mirth. Phil flinched, as if startled, and averted his gaze elsewhere.

Wow. Okay, he should not do that again.

“So... so what if I was checking you out?” Phil asked, trying to gain some confidence in his own words.

“Hmm… well, I can’t say that I mind.” Phil was pretty sure that's what people called ‘flirting’ and it terrified him. In the best way possible, of course.

“Modeling is cool,” he changed the subject, “I don’t know any models. I’m not surprised you became a model, though. You’re pretty.” The words came out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“Thanks. I don’t get that as often as you’d think.” Dan played with the sleeve of his jumper. It was plain and light grey in colour, but on the sleeves were the words “SEXUAL FANTASIES” in a fierce red hue. Phil was amazed how something so simple still managed to look so good on Dan.

“How did you land the job? Not that I don’t think it makes sense or something-” there he goes, speaking too fast and too much and getting himself in trouble.

Dan laughed breathily, as if he were amused by Phil’s stuttering. “Well I kinda started doing it because the photography students needed a model, and then the art students needed one, and somehow pictures of me got to the right people and I was contacted. I started off just making enough money to pay for my monthly groceries and like half my rent, but now it’s a steady job. I mostly do shoots for ads, but I did model for Gucci and Dolce and Gabbana. I don’t exactly consider myself a good model, but my photos make money, so I must be worth something.”

Phil was very interested in hearing about Dan’s career. He had interviewed plenty of celebrities and people with strange and different careers, but surprisingly enough, he knew very little about the modelling industry. “And you like your job?” He asked, as Dan didn’t seem to be too excited to be talking about it.

“Oh, yeah, I do,” Dan said, probably catching up on why that question was asked and he proceeded to smile brightly, his eyes crinkling. “I really do like it! I mean sure, I kinda have to watch my weight a bit and exercise more than I would like to on a weekly basis, but none of it is crazy. My agent just wants me to remain in shape and in generally good health.” He shrugged, the same smile never wavering as he spoke

Phil nodded in understanding. “Yeah, I get it…” He did have some strong opinions on the usual male beauty standards. Male models and how they look and whatnot. But by the looks of it, it seems like more and more people are accepting that being buff and super extremely stereotypically manly wasn’t all that male beauty was about… But he didn’t want to voice those opinions yet. He’s sure Dan has some opinions of his own. He couldn’t wait to share those. “You do look good, and the exercise must keep you healthy. You’re practically glowing.” He added, realizing that he was staring again.

“Thanks,” a small smile crept onto Dan’s lips, “I, uh… So I kinda wanna make sure you’re not like… weirded out by me randomly emailing you and asking to hang out.”

“I thought we already discussed this.” Phil smiled back. “Yeah, of course I’m not weirded out. I may or may not have hoped to meet you again one day… I really… I really like to look back on the time I spent with you.” He was tiptoeing around the details, but he could see that Dan knew what he was leaving out. “Are you… seeing anyone these days?”

“No… No, not really. I mean, I was, obviously, but no. I’ve been single for a while.” Dan answered, pushing some of his hair behind his ear. Just then, the waitress came and put their drinks down. They thanked her before resuming their conversation. “I find it hard to find anyone, believe it or not. I guess my standards are too niche.”

Phil opened his mouth to ask about those niche things, but he figured he could find out about them another way. “I bet a ton of people hit on you.” He said that and as soon as he did, he regretted it.

Dan seemed merely amused. “I mean, sometimes? I don’t usually respond to flirting. I know just by looking at someone that I wouldn’t like them.” A pause. “Oh, fuck, god, that sounded so pretentious!” He laughed and covered his face briefly. “No, wow, that came out so wrong. What I meant is, I’m surrounded by other models and most of them aren’t my types, plus I do get to know a person at least a bit before I decide whether I’d like them or not. It’s just… You know when you see, like, a guy wearing sweats and is shirtless and has obviously been at the gym, all sweaty and buff?”

Phil nodded, wondering where this was going.

“Yeah! Well, those sporty types? Not my types. I’m more into…” he gave Phil a not at all subtle once-over, “...nerdy guys with quirky shirts and cute glasses.”

Phil felt the back of his neck heat up. He let out a small, breathy laugh and ran his hand through his fringe. “Funnily enough, I happen to know a guy just like that.”

The brunette’s smile only grew. Phil couldn’t get enough of it.

Their conversation flowed so easily from then on. They talked some more about their jobs, their interests, and their families. They ended up sitting in that café for three hours, so immersed in their own little world that they didn’t even notice that the waitress was sending them glares from across the room for taking up space during a busy time.

Eventually, Dan looked down at his phone and sighed. “I’ve got to go.” Phil pouted jokingly, though he did have work he had to do, too. He wasn’t as upset as he made himself seem. “I have a photoshoot tomorrow at like, too-early in the morning and I’d rather not show up with bags under my eyes. The makeup artists don’t wanna spend an extra twenty minutes on that shit.” He laughed and got up just as Phil got up.

“Don’t worry about it. I have to do some stuff for work, too. I mean, I don’t have work tomorrow, but… yeah.” He cleared his throat, feeling a little bit awkward about being snapped back into the “real” world. It was strange. Talking to Dan was so easy. It was just as easy as it had been all those years ago. It did not help that a lot of their conversations were flirtatious in nature, even now.

“Do you want to… maybe grab lunch or dinner someday?” He paused. “And I do mean totally like a date.”

“Yeah.” That was too quick, Phil thought. Way too quick to answer. But why hide the fact that he wants to see Dan again? To go on a date with him? “Oh! Okay, I know I have your email but I am so not making this mistake again.” He took out his phone and opened up a new contact, then he handed it to Dan.

Dan rolled his eyes with an almost fond smile and typed his own number into Phil’s phone before pressing the call button. He handed the device back. Phil noted that Dan called himself simply ‘Dan’ with a bunch of heart emojis. Not that Phil minded. “I sometimes wonder where we’d be if we were smart enough to do this ten years ago.”

“Shall we find out?”

Dan nodded. “Yup. I look forward to it.” He then leaned in to give Phil a short hug. Phil just then noticed that Dan was maybe three or four centimeters taller than him. Something about that made him giddy. He clearly remembers being at least a few centimeters taller than Dan when they met.

“I’ll text you about my schedule.” With a nod and a small, almost hesitant, farewell, Dan left.

Phil watched for just a moment before he turned around and walked in the other direction to catch a cab back home. He had a lot of work to do. But he also couldn’t help but give in to the voice in the back of his mind that told him to look Dan up on the Internet. He knew it wasn’t exactly forbidden. Dan had obviously looked him up!

Comforting thoughts in place, Phil spent the next few hours at home looking at videos and pictures of Dan.

Surprisingly enough, both of them were rather busy. An entire week passed. They kept in touch, of course. Perhaps even a bit obsessively from both sides. Phil had been worried that they wouldn’t click in the same way they did in 2009. He worried that Dan had changed so drastically that he wouldn’t be able to tell that he was even the same person.

All of Phil’s worries were wrong. Dan, although he was far more mature than he had been 9 years ago, kept the same charm, the same enthusiasm when he spoke. He still had the same humour and it made those little butterflies Phil once felt for the boy stir once again in his stomach.

 

* * *

 

 

**Sunday, 18.02.2018**

**Dan (12:34)  
** done with the photo shoot and I am not happy, rested, or dry

 **Phil (12:36)  
** Dry?

 **Dan (12:48)  
** large hot lights being pointed at me for over 5 hours

 **Phil (12:51)  
** Suck it up, Howell, sometimes life sucks!

 **Dan (12:52)**  
“sucks” is the understatement of the century

 **Phil (12:55)**  
I don’t know, Dan I put salt instead of sugar in my coffee. I think my Sunday’s been worse.

 **Dan (12:57)**  
oh fuck off

 **Phil (13:00)**  
It tasted like regret.

 **Dan (13:01)**  
spoiled boy needs his starbucks?

 **Phil(13:08)  
** Just because I ranted for 10 minutes about how much I love the “boring” caramel macchiato doesn’t mean that I am obsessed with Starbucks or spoiled!

 **Dan (13:10)**  
your obsession with overly sugary and corporate drinks is disturbing

 **Phil (13:11)  
** Yet…. charming?

 **Dan (13:11)  
** no

 **Phil (13:12)  
** :(

 **Dan (13:12)  
** :/

 **Phil (13:14)  
** （＾ω＾）

 **Dan (13:15)  
** ok i do not have the time to deal with this

 **Phil (13:17)  
** ⊂◉‿◉つ

 **Dan (13:20)  
** bye phil

 **Phil (13:21)  
** No wait.

**Monday, 19.02.2018**

**Dan (15:29)  
** how about tomorrow?

 **Phil (15:35)  
** Can’t :( Meeting in the morning, show in the evening, only have time for lunch. the day after? Like a brunch date?

 **Dan (15:36)  
** dentist appointment and then i’m scheduled for yoga or some shit idek

 **Phil (15:41)  
** Yoga? Really?

 **Dan (15:42)  
** i don’t decide this shit ok

 **Phil (15:43)  
** Suuure Yoga Boy

 **Dan (15:45)  
** yoga boy..? phil. THAT’S the best you can do?

 **Phil (15:47)  
** I mean I do want you to be as flexible as possible.

 **Dan (15:48)  
** wow………….

 **Phil (15:49)  
** oh my god i am so sorry i didn’t mean that that was a mistake i was joking i thought i was being funny but that sounded so creepy i am so sorry dan ignore that please please

 **Dan (15:51)  
** okay mate, breathe, it’s all right  
not supposed to be thinking about this stuff in the middle of the day

 **Phil (15:52)  
** Show’s starting soon gotta go byeeee

**Tuesday, 20.02.2018**

**Dan (19:20)  
** i’m watching your show live.

 **Phil (19:31)  
** Oh thanks... now i’ll be fumbling and nervous! >:(

 **Dan (19:32)  
** you’re adorable when you’re nervous

 **Phil (19:35)  
** I think adorable is a bit strong of a word, don’t you think?

 **Dan (19:36)  
** ;)

 **Phil (19:58)  
** SEE THAT WAS SO HORRIBLE  I blame you for stumbling over my words! You’re so mean to me.

 **Dan (20:00)  
** i do what i want, philly

 **Phil (20:01)  
** :(

**Wednesday, 21.02.2018**

**Phil (18:04)  
** How’s the yoga?

 **Dan (18:07)  
** fuck off

 **Phil (18:08)  
** What’s wrong? Can’t get into the position you want?

 **Dan (18:10)  
** I will murder you

 **Phil (18:13)  
** I don’t know if yoga will help you, Danny, you need to be more zen.

 **Dan (18:14)  
** don’t ever call me danny ever again

 **Phil (18:15)  
** Danny  
Come here Danny, give your friend a huuuuug!

 **Dan (18:16)  
** blocked and reported

 **Phil (18:18)  
** :( I just want a hug.

 **Dan (18:19)  
** fuck yoga. fuck you. fuck everything. i want deaTH

 **Phil (18:20)  
** Whoa there edgelord it’s just a bit of glorified stretching.

 **Dan (18:27)  
** GLORIFIED STRETCHING?! it’s more like someone’s trying to shove a ten-meter pole up your ass while talking about being zen and taking it like a champ or some shit

 **Phil (18:28)  
** I bet you’d want my ten-meter pole.

 **Dan (18:30)  
** bloCKED AND REPORTED

**Thursday, 22.02.2018**

**Phil (14:56)  
** How about tonight? Candlelit dinner?

 **Dan (14:59)  
** i’m so sorry, phil. i was forced out by some colleagues and i tried to decline but they pressured me into it

 **Phil (15:03)  
** That’s okay. Can we maybe do something tomorrow?

 **Dan (15:04)  
** :(

 **Phil (15:07)  
** Well yeah I should focus on my work anyway.

 **Dan (15:09)  
** sorry phil

 **Phil (15:11)  
** Saturday?

 **Dan (15:12)  
** Unsure. most likely I’ll have time!

 **Phil (15:14)  
** Amazing. I’m really excited already! :)

 **Dan (15:15)  
** me too

 **Phil (19:38)  
** I don’t know if you’re listening, but I dedicated this song to you...

 **Dan (19:40)  
** i am  
thank you  
i wanna lie and say that that isn’t the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me  
but i’d be lying

 **Phil (19:41)  
** We danced to that song.

 **Dan (19:44)  
** we did

 **Phil (19:45)  
** I gotta go back, but I’ll text you soon.

**Friday, 23.02.2018  
**

**Phil (07:27)  
** I had a dream about you  
I know it’s early and you’re probably asleep but I wanted to tell you about it  
I’m not gonna tell you what I dreamt about in detail  
But it was not PG13

 **Dan (16:47)  
** now i just want to know

 **Phil (16:48)  
** Sorry :)

 **Dan (16:50)  
** phiiiiiil!!

 **Phil (16:51)  
** I’ll just have to show you ;)

 **Dan (16:51)  
** fuck

 **Phil (16:52)  
** Exactly.

 **Dan (18:46)  
** tomorrow at 7? you can decide where

 **Phil (18:57)  
** You know Fabled?

 **Dan (18:59)  
** that cute place not too far from BBC? yeah I love it

 **Phil (19:00)  
** It’s pretty romantic so we can go there if you want.

 **Dan (19:01)  
** i can’t wait

 **Phil (19:01)  
** Me too.

 

* * *

 

 

Fabled was a less popular restaurant than others in its vicinity. It wasn’t because of the food or the ambience, but rather because of it’s rather obscure and hidden-away location. It made for a great spot to go on a date, especially if privacy was important. **  
**

Phil waited inside the restaurant, sitting at the table he had reserved for the two of them. He was anxious, but very excited. It’s not like he’d never talked to Dan, and it’s not like he wouldn’t have a wonderful time. He was more than sure that he would have an absolutely lovely time. After all, they texted constantly and called a few times. And if they could talk on the phone for hours without running out of things to say, then surely that meant they were onto something.

Dan was a bit late. He did warn Phil that he might be, as he had a meeting or something that he wasn’t sure how long it would go on. Half an hour, that’s how late he was. Phil knew it wasn’t on purpose, but it still felt horrible. All those other couples kept glancing at him with pity in their eyes.

Phil was just about to text Dan and ask if maybe they should postpone, when Dan burst into the restaurant, out of breath. He must have been running. Phil smiled at him sweetly and patiently.

“Slow meeting?” Phil asked, standing up and pulling Dan into a small hug as soon as he came within arm’s reach. He couldn’t help it, Dan looked so stressed and so tired. And he still made it to their date. Late or not, he was there. Phil couldn’t ever be angry at him.

“I am so fucking late, god,” Dan said, voice muffled by Phil’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.” He said as they pulled away. Phil shook his head and reached out to brush some of Dan’s unruly hair from his forehead.

“It’s okay. You told me beforehand that you might be late. I understand completely.” Dan’s expression relaxed into one of mild concern rather than panic.

“I so don’t deserve to even be on this date.” The brunette said to mostly himself, but Phil caught the mumbling.

“Why do you think that?” They sat down, Phil at the place he had previously been occupying and Dan opposite him.

“You’re sweet. You’re just too sweet, Phil. I’m not sweet.” Dan’s voice shifted tone, taking up a more serious one as they looked each other in the eyes.

Phil could only sigh gently and place his hand in the middle of the table. A wordless offering for Dan to hold his hand, if he wished. “You are sweet in your own way, Dan. Give yourself a bit of credit. For my sake?”

Biting his lip, Dan nodded. He placed his hand briefly over Phil’s to give him a squeeze. Phil could tell that he was quite unsure. Maybe his self-esteem wasn’t what he wanted it to be. A memory of a much younger Dan, crying silently on Phil’s shoulder, flashed in Phil’s mind.

The details are all fuzzy. But he remembers thinking how, if he had a single wish, it would be to take all the sadness away from that boy.

They got the menus from the waiter and ordered their drinks. They’d share a bottle of wine, as they both knew by then that they were lightweights. Half a bottle each was more than enough to make them pleasantly tipsy at the end of the night.

“...And that is basically why they kept us all there for so long.” Dan said, the faintest hint of annoyance in his tone. Phil was holding back giggles. “It’s not funny, Phil,” Dan whined, holding up his glass of wine and taking a small sip of it. He wanted to down the whole bottle, Phil assumed. If that embarrassed flush on his cheeks was anything to go by.

“It isn’t, but… At the same time, it literally was your boss ranting about a pigeon, so… It kinda is funny.” He held back another fit of giggles.

“You’re such an ass sometimes.” There was no malice in his tone, Phil would know it if he heard it.

“You like me this way.”

“I do, yeah,” Dan answered, “but that doesn’t excuse you from being so supportive and nice and therefore an asshole.”

“You do know that that makes literally no sense?” Phil laughed in good nature and reached out to hold Dan’s hand again. This time, Dan didn’t pull away almost as soon as he felt the contact of Phil’s skin on his own. Instead, he looked down at the tablecloth and closed his hand around Phil’s.

Phil knew that Dan wasn’t shy, he wasn’t awkward. So why was he so flustered? Was it the affection? The wine? Their hushed voices, intimate eye contact? The candles? Phil didn’t have the answers to his own questions, nor did he think that Dan would ever provide him with answers, but it was perfect that way.

“You don’t make sense.”

That just sparked another round of playful banter and teasing. Much like a week ago, when they had spent three hours in a café, they got so lost in the other’s presence they didn’t notice anything going on around them. They ordered food at some point, they knew that much.

“Dan! Dan!” Phil whisper-shouted as Dan pretended to threaten Phil with a food-fight. “We’re in public!” He tried to reach out to take the “weapons” (cutlery) out of Dan’s hands. The younger just laughed and, just as Phil thought he would throw the food at him, he put it in his mouth. “You are literally the worst person in the world.” Phil let out a long sigh of relief.

“You’re so cute when you do that thing with your eyebrows,” Dan announced suddenly.

“Don’t call me cute.” Phil’s voice was almost inaudible as he said that.

“That’s physically impossible.”

“No, it’s not! You just have to keep your mouth shut and not call me cute when you get the feeling to call me cute.” Phil noticed Dan roll his eyes. “You’re being sassy again.” Phil’s tone shifted, turning light once more. It was refreshing, how easily they could switch between being serious and teetering on the edge of making fun of each other.

“Me? Sassy?” Dan laughed and Phil had to join him. Phil was sure that the other people around them were starting to get annoyed with how loud they were at times. He couldn’t bring himself to care. It simply felt too good to be this close with Dan.

“It’s almost as if we always knew each other, right?” Phil asked, his voice far away in a nostalgic manner. He looked away from Dan, but he could feel those brown eyes on him anyway.

“It’s surreal, yeah. What if we’re actually just desperate?” Phil sputtered. “No, okay, hear me out! So, like, since I met you I was like ‘damn, I am never gonna meet such a nice guy ever again’ and- don’t look at me like that!” Dan laughed.

“Of course you could meet other nice guys!” Phil protested.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Well I mean yeah, but- let me finish, okay?” He looked at Phil pointedly, who closed his mouth and pouted. “So I was like, stuck thinking that what is the point of even trying to date when the one guy I actually wanted was now gone forever.” Phil felt some colour dusting his cheeks. “I was basically single since 2009, though I did kinda more or less fool around. Not that that’s anything important. I just don’t want you to think I’m pathetic or something.”

Phil felt like he could scream. He knew denying Dan’s statement would be fruitless. The boy seemed pretty adamant not to let Phil shower him in positivity. “I don’t agree with you, Dan. You should have tried!” He smiled sweetly, brightly. He knew Dan liked to see him smile, for some reason.

“I’m glad I didn’t.” Phil let out a sigh, about to open his mouth and say something. Dan interrupted him before he could even get a single word out. “I probably wouldn’t be here with you right now, if I did.”

Phil couldn’t argue with that. He let a silence settle over them and smiled to himself. Dan was right, of course. If they both decided to start looking for relationships, they probably wouldn’t have met again. Or they would have met again, under very different circumstances. Worse ones, in Phil’s opinion.

“Shall we share a dessert?” Dan looked up and nodded, his eyes crinkling and dimples showing. Phil swore he felt his heart swell ever so slightly at the sight.

They ordered a piece of chocolate fudge cake. Phil was the first one to take a large bite of the sweet, causing Dan to snort and laugh.

“We’re sharing, did you forget?” He hummed, lifting his gaze to meet Phil’s.

“No, of course I didn’t.” Phil pouted and took a smaller bite this time, his fork clinking against Dan’s.

They had a small discussion about how many calories there were in that piece of cake, then tried to ask the waiter if he knew. The waiter asked the chef, and came back with an answer of 340 calories. Dan laughed in relief while Phil tried to pretend like he really thoroughly understood what it meant for him to eat approximately 170 calories worth of sugar and fat.

Considering he didn't exercise, probably a lot.

They finished the bottle of wine soon after they all but licked off every last crumb off of their plate. For the remainder of their evening, they sat on the edge of their seats, fingers woven and palms flush together, trying to be as close to each other as possible. They held eye contact, having finally gotten used to how vulnerable it made them both feel. It was an amazing feeling being able to let go of fears such as being exposed and just enjoy the intimacy of the moment.

After an hour of hushed yet exciting conversation, they realised that it was already almost 11 PM, and the restaurant would be closing soon. Phil smiled apologetically at Dan, as if it was somehow his fault, but the only answer he got was an encouraging smile. They had a small discussion about who should pay, as they came to a silent and mutual agreement that splitting the bill was not something they were doing. Phil took over, with a comment from Dan that he would pay for their next date.

All Phil could focus on was the fact that Dan wanted to even go on a second date.

They walked out of the restaurant hand in hand in a comfortable silence. They agree on a lot of things, including that sometimes, silence was not a bad thing. Sometimes, it filled in the space between them better than any words could.

They were both slightly tipsy, feeling the tiniest amount fuzziness.

“I hope you didn’t drive here,” Dan said, stopping outside the front door of the building and looking into Phil’s eyes, trying to mask his mild concern.

“No, I took a cab.” Phil confirmed. It was good to know that Dan cared about his well being. Though, as Dan found out earlier that evening, Phil wasn’t exactly the best driver anyway. Phil admitted that he should just not be allowed behind a wheel. Unless it’s in Mario Kart.

“Okay, good, I’m just making sure,” Dan chuckled, running his free hand through his curls. Phil wanted to reach out and touch them too, but he instead stuffed his hands in his pockets.

“Do you have work tomorrow?”

“No, thank fuck I don’t. I’m planning on sleeping half the day and binging on anime or something, to be honest.”

Phil snorted fondly. “That does sound like a good Sunday.” He bit his lip and looked away from Dan’s eyes. Suddenly, all the intimacy they felt while sitting in the candlelit restaurant was hitting Phil hard. The proximity, the vulnerability… It was a strange mixture of emotions that sparked inside him. Like a magnetic pull coming from all directions. Pulling him in and away, making him want to give in and give up, all at the same time.

What came of it was a pained expression, one that he wasn’t aware of, but Dan had noticed. “Is everything alright?” Dan asked in a whisper, taking half a step forward so he was closer to Phil.

Phil felt a large hand cup his left cheek. He averted his gaze from the ground and met the gentlest of eyes. He had been looking at Dan all evening. It felt wrong to look away now. It felt wrong to even think about pulling away from him.

Without thinking, he closed his eyes and tilted his head to the side. He waited for a moment, and when he didn’t feel Dan’s hand withdrawing or his body heat leaving, he leaned in and locked their lips in a chaste peck. He pulled away, not in a rush, but because he felt that that was enough. Upon opening his eyes, he saw that Dan’s were still closed, a tranquil expression on his face.

“Yes, everything,” he breathed in, a chuckle falling from his lips right after, “everything’s more than alright.”

Only then did the hand, so warm and solid, fall from his cheek. He felt the rush of cold air and almost reached out to put Dan’s hand back, where he felt it belonged. Dan was silent, though his eyebrows were knitted in either confusion or thought.. Phil was concerned for a moment. Had he misjudged the atmosphere? Did Dan not feel like it was the right time and place?

“I had fun tonight, Phil,” Dan finally said. “It’s getting late.” Phil flinched a bit when Dan stepped away and let go of his hand. “I’ll text you,” he added, his expression just as soft as it had been earlier, but the eyebrows were bothering Phil. Was something really wrong? Dan hesitated before he pecked Phil’s cheek and turned around, waving over his shoulder.

Phil was left staring at Dan’s back, waving back without enthusiasm.

 

* * *

 

 

**Dan (00:12)  
** i’m sorry for leaving so abruptly

 **Phil (00:13)  
** I was a bit worried.

 **Dan (00:26)  
** yeah I’m sorry. nothing’s wrong

 **Phil (00:27)  
** Are you sure? You can talk to me, you know.

 **Dan (00:40)  
** you are too sweet, phil. thank you

 **Phil (00:40)  
** :)

 **Dan (00:56)  
** good night :)

 **Phil (00:57)  
** Good night  <3

Despite Dan claiming that everything was okay, Phil felt unsure. He realised that although Dan hasn’t changed much in the last 9 years, he was still different. An adult version of who he used to be. Which, of course, wasn’t a bad thing at all. In fact, the experience he gathered so far in his life added to that charm of his.

Dan’s could always have been described as an old soul. Phil could have argued how he was silly more often than not, but he understood why Dan seemed wiser than most people, even at his young age.

It seemed to Phil that one thing stayed the same. Dan was still struggling just as much as he had in the past.

 

* * *

 

 

They went on smaller and bigger dates all the time after that. Whether it was just grabbing a quick coffee together before one of them had to run off, or going out to restaurants, museums, theatres and the cinema, they were together as often as they could be. They texted throughout the day and talked on the phone when it was too late and they were too tired and their visions too blurry to read. Hours upon hours were spent in each others’ company. **  
**

Phil wouldn’t want it any other way. However, it seemed to him like they weren’t moving past just that; dating was fun, but Phil wanted to finally be a bit more than just love interests to each other. Aside from the occasional hand-holding or brief hugs, there was nothing more between them. Hell, Phil had never been to Dan’s flat, even just to hang out.

Dan had always had excuses not to go to Phil’s flat... Dan had had excuses for everything, actually. Pulling away from hugs too soon, stepping away in case Phil leaned in for a kiss.

Things were starting to seem one-sided. Phil understood that sometimes, taking time was a good thing. But two months and over 15 dates later? Did he have unrealistic views on how relationships progressed? He spent most of his nights mulling over what he’d done wrong, why Dan didn't want him closer; both physically and emotionally.

Therefore, when he wanted to ask Dan to be on his radio show, he felt nervou. Surely, Dan would reject such a thing. Or at the very least, he would rather not even answer at all. There was no way for Phil to know unless he asked.

**(Friday, 27.04.2018**

****Phil**  (13:29)  
**Coffee in 30?

 **Dan (13:31)  
** yup, i’m already nearby so i’ll wait for you

 **Phil (13:35)  
** I can come earlier! See you in 10 :)

They frequented the same café, the Golden Peach, as it was almost exactly in the middle of where they both lived and worked. It was convenient, as it also offered the best atmosphere for casual coffee dates.

 

 _Another date,_ Phil thought bitterly,  _another date and another chance to see what I have but can’t have._

Dan was already waiting in the café, at their usual spot. He looked up from his phone when he saw Phil and put the device away. Neither of them really felt the need to look at their phones in each other’s company. It was more fun to just talk about their days, like the crazy things Phil saw and heard at work and the many weird things Dan was asked to do at his own job. It was lighthearted. A bit too empty at times.

“Hey,” Phil greeted Dan with a bright smile, sitting down at the seat opposite the other.

“Hey,” Dan replied, offering the same smile in return. Lately, Phil noticed, his smiles had held just a bit of guilt.

“How was work today?”

“Underwear modelling. Gotta love doing that.” Dan laughed without humour. “Seriously, they’re the worst. Do I look like an underwear model to you?” Phil opened his mouth to answer. “Don’t say anything, it was a rhetorical question.” He sighed, leaning back into his chair and looking out the window and away from Phil. “I guess it didn’t turn out too bad. I just always feel a little bit awkward. But anyway, how are you?”

“Seems to me like someone’s a bit shy.” Phil sing-sang, earning him a good-natured eye roll. “I’m well, thanks. A bit tired, I spent all morning answering emails… But, uhh… I actually wanted to ask you something.”

Dan tensed visibly, though Phil decided to ignore it as if it didn’t happen. “Yeah?”

“I want you to be a guest on the radio show.”

Dan’s eyebrows knitted together, but he then laughed loudly, as if Phil cracked the best joke of the century. “Right, right-”

“I’m serious, Dan!” Phil pouted, crossing his arms defensively. “I talked about you on Valentine’s day and I asked the producers if it would be a good idea to maybe say how we then managed to meet because of the show and-”

“Wait, so you want to bring me into the studio just because of that?”

Phil turned a bit red in the face. Maybe he shouldn't have asked. Dan obviously doesn’t want to, he didn't  think it was a good idea. “Yeah… I don’t know, a lot of people emailed me and tweeted me about how my story was kinda cute and stuff and I agree with them and I guess I thought you’d want to come on and just talk about modelling too and stuff.”

Dan didn’t respond right away, Phil could see that he was still thinking about what to say. “I mean, yeah, I guess it’d be fun, but what… What if it’s too boring?”

“It won’t be! I had this idea that we maybe do one of those challenges I do. We could have fun in the studio together! Come on, Dan… at least call your agent and ask if that’s okay.” Phil begged, despite seeing how Dan didn't exactly agree with his idea. Still, it was worth a shot. Besides, Dan was a rather well-known model, mostly because he was popular on social media; over 5 million Instagram followers and around 2 million Twitter followers. That’s not exactly a small following.

“We could talk about modelling and social media and what’s it like…” Phil tried again, but Dan remained silent. He was starting to think that had upset him..

“I’ll… I’ll talk with my agent. We’ll see, okay? I can’t just blindly accept invitations…”

Phil felt a bit better hearing about that. He offered a wide smile. “Thank you! That’s kinda what I expected, but still, thank you. Maybe they’ll agree with me. It could boost your popularity and all that fun stuff.”

Dan bit his lower lip, another nervous habit of his. Phil noticed, but pretended not to. “Yeah, I guess.”

They had to end their little coffee date a little bit earlier than Phil would have liked to. Dan had another appointment, a convenient one as it was with his agent to discuss the photoshoot they had earlier in the day. Phil had to run some errands and go to work shortly after, so he wasn’t too upset.

That didn’t stop him from overthinking. Had he really ruined the relationship he had with Dan by asking about the radio show? Hell, he didn’t even know what sort of relationship he had with Dan in the first place.

 

* * *

 

 

Much to Dan’s dismay, his agent thought it was a brilliant idea. For many reasons, but mostly because it was the first time in a long time that Dan would be on the radio. Last time it was an interview he had done because he was picked to be Britain’s “hottest bachelor,” much to Dan’s surprise. He would have assumed any of the other British models or extended royal family would be higher on the list than him. But then again, just because a bunch of magazines with questionable sources and polls decided that, didn’t mean that he felt like he deserved the title. He’d managed to land pretty high on those lists ever since.

“I’ve got some exciting stuff to share tonight,” Phil said, adding a small pause. “For those who don’t follow the Internet Takeover as religiously as some people do, two months ago on Valentine’s day, I told the following story.” The clip from two months ago played, in which he spoke about the cruise he had spent with Dan.

“Well not even two days later, I got an email.” He laughed. “Actually, I got a lot of similar emails, however, none of them were probably meant to be taken seriously. Plenty of people claimed to be the guy I spent those two weeks with, despite none of them even knowing their own name.” He shook his head - only those watching the livestream could see that, obviously. “Well, one email really caught my attention. ‘Phil, it’s Dan’ was the title and I thought, huh. Maybe I accidentally said the name, or maybe this really was Dan.”

“After a few emails, I concluded that yup, that’s Dan. Now, again, for those who aren’t up to date with my life,” he laughed, because he knew that not many people cared much about his personal life, “I spent two weeks on a cruise ship with a boy named Dan who I had a great time with. He emailed me. We reunited. We’ve been friends ever since.”

The word ‘friends’ left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. Dan, who was in the studio, just remaining quiet and out of the camera’s view, seemed to not like the word ‘friends’ either, if the way his eyes shifted was any indication whatsoever. “Dan- or Daniel Howell- is here in the studio with me! Say hello.”

“Hello, everyone,” Dan said after finally stepping on camera. His agent insisted on making him wear expensive designer clothing that he would never usually put on. He didn’t like his Yeezy jumpers, but that’s about as far as he’d go with clothing.

“It’s so crazy that we met 9 years ago, isn’t it?” Phil laughed, Dan joined in to be polite.

“It is quite strange, isn’t it? I’d heard your voice and thought it was familiar already back in 2011, but I thought I was just imagining it. And when I heard your show before we met like two months ago, I was sure that I was wrong about assuming we met before. Your voice changed.”

“I think it’s just the confidence. I’ve gotten more confident in the last few years.” Dan hummed in understanding. “But we’re not here to talk about me, are we? How about you introduce yourself?”

“Yeah- hello again, my name is Dan Howell, I’m a model and casual Internet nerd who just so happens to have a cult following.” Phil laughed, again, because that’s true. Those who do like to follow Dan can be a little bit obsessed.

“And weren’t you Britain’s hottest bachelor a while ago?” Phil asked.

“Ah, that. Yeah, yeah that’s also a thing. I guess some people must find me attractive in some way if magazines write about my jawline or something all the time.”  Phil snorted, a bit away from the microphone so he couldn’t be heard.

“Are you not satisfied with your jawline, Dan?”  

He watched as the mirth slowly began to show in Dan’s eyes. “I’m quite satisfied with my jawline, thank you for asking. Would you like me to give you a full review of each of my body parts? I have it all ready, just say the word.”

Phil laughed, a lot more genuinely this time, and shook his head. “No, I think you should save that for a future girlfriend.” He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. He would have said simply “for later” to allude to them being more than friends, but he wasn’t sure if Dan was out yet as anything but straight.

“Boyfriend, more likely,” Dan said, eyeing Phil in a very pointed way. In a way that made Phil question their relationship all over again, and for a brief second, he forgot he was the host of a popular radio show who kinda had to do a lot of talking.

“But anyway! We’ll be starting off tonight’s playlist with Imagine Dragons and their currently top 5 single, ‘Thunder’. Meanwhile, Dan and I will play a game for those of you watching live. Stay tuned for more of Dan Howell later after the songs!”

With that, the music started playing and Phil smiled apologetically at Dan. They held eye contact briefly, before starting to play the game, which involved them crawling and sneaking around the studio too much. They worried they’d knock something over or press the wrong button, but at some point, by the time ‘Thunder’ ended and another song started playing, they forgot about all those things. It was fun just laughing and goofing around together. They obviously had great chemistry. It could be seen from miles away.

Once the short playlist stopped, they returned to their previous positions in front of the camera and microphones.

“Britney Spears,” Phil said, smiling at Dan slightly, “‘Toxic’. Remember the music video for that one?”

Dan snorted and laughed, nodding. “Yeah, it’s kinda hard to forget how… uncomfortably sexual it was.” Phil hummed in agreement. “I mean 18 year old me loved the video a bit too much.”

“If I’m not wrong, we used to try and… mimic the sensual beginning of that song over and over again. I mean we were completely rubbish at it, still are, but we had a good laugh. Not that I think the song is bad. I love you, Britney,” he said, as if the singer was anywhere close to hearing him say that.

“You got close to getting it like a few times,” Dan added, teasingly. Phil rolled his eyes and laughed.

“Indeed I was. So were you.” He looked down at what he prepared for the small interview he had with Dan. “I got a few tweets from your followers.”

“Oh, dear.”

“A lot of them want to know what you smell like. Should I be concerned, Dan?” Dan laughed out a small ‘yeah’ but let Phil keep talking. “I’ve never quite met fans like yours… They’ve got a strange sense of humour.”

“I would be glad to take the blame for that. You’ve seen my twitter, though. Are you really that surprised?”

“You’re quite right. Shall we get into some questions? Let’s start off with… How did you get into modelling?”

Dan then proceeded to tell the story in detail. Starting off as a starving law student, getting some recognition by pure luck, and so on and so on. Phil jumped in to ask a side question every once in awhile, such as if he remembered what the project was the art students had been working on.

For the next hour, they continued just like that; playing songs and games and then talking some more about Dan’s career and experiences. Phil had a lot of fun on the show with Dan, though he could feel that the other was a bit more tense than he usually was. Dan wasn’t exactly hard to stress out; Phil could feel the tension radiating off of him anyway.

By the time Phil was done with the rest of the show, Dan had already left the BBC and was probably at home. Aside from a quick goodbye, Phil didn’t hear anything from him at all. It was annoying. At some points he thought Dan really wanted to spend all his time with him, and at others, it felt like they couldn’t be further apart from each other. Physically, and emotionally. It was frustrating. Perhaps, Phil thought, he should finally bring the issue up. 

 

* * *

 

 

It took Phil a few days to finally decide that maybe it was time to finally bring the issue up. He was mulling over his words every day and night. He even thought about asking Dan over text, but he concluded that doing it over text would be the worst way possible. Who wanted to potentially have a very sensitive conversation over text?

Therefore, Phil invited Dan over to his place, yet again, saying that he wanted to finally cook for Dan. It wasn’t a lie, of course, he really did want to cook for Dan. It took another few days for Dan to finally accept the invitation, hesitantly,  and explaining how he was too lazy, or had stuff to do. Once, he even outed his own lie by saying he had to go to work, just to text Phil later about how he wished he had some job to do in order to feel less bored.

Phil didn’t think much of the lies. Maybe Dan was nervous, maybe he thought that Phil had ulterior motives than just cooking dinner and maybe having a glass of wine with Dan. If those motives happened to be impressing his potential boyfriend with his cooking, then yes, Phil was guilty.

It was Saturday, two weeks after the radio interview with Dan that Phil finally got the brunette into his home. Phil figured since the radio show that he was not going to get anywhere with his and Dan’s relationship if he didn’t start working on it. Hell, he didn’t even expect Dan to do more than invite him for coffee and sometimes, very rarely, offer a hug as goodbye.

Was it that ludicrous that Phil wanted to hold hands at times?

Phil had just finished preparing everything he would need for cooking when he heard the knock on his door, followed by a ring of his doorbell. Phil perked up slightly as soon as he realised that it would be Dan on the other side of that door.


End file.
